Irretrievably lost?
by mollydegraaf
Summary: What happened to the God of mischief after his fall from the bifrost? And what made him so sarcastic and angry. The story begins post Avengers and evolves with and between the happenings in TDW. And goes on after. Also flashbacks to pre-Thor. I own my imagination and want to thank biolimo and mira-jade. You both are a wonderful inspiration.
1. Chapter 1

Half of Asgard is crowding the Idawöll. Asgardians of every age have come to see justice done upon him. The second son of Odin´s house. It has been yet a week, him and his brother have returned from midgard, and the Allfather and his counsil have already decided his fate. It is a beautiful day. The sun is reflecting from the cities golden towers and the air lingering with the crisp scent of late spring.

_After all, this is a good day to go to Hel´s realm. They will not remember me as the one who tricked them into looking mournful. Just because it rained on his execution._ - And as he walks up the stairs to the stand where the allfather will declare his punishment Loki realizes he is strangely at peace with the prospect of death. The shackles clunk on the wooden floor of the stage and he somehow feels disgraced by the fact that he, who has always been silent and swift shall leave this world with such rumpus.

All of them are here. Odin sits, Frigga on his right, on a marvellous throne and Thor stands to his left. In the backround the golden palace and all of the court are neatly arranged, standing to both sides of the stairs. A little further to the left of Thor are the Warriors three and Lady Sif as well as Heimdal. All of them wear their most precious and glorious armor while he is in plain grey tunics much to wide for his slender figur.

„Listen, Loki Odinsson, second Prince of Asgard" - _he has to rub it in even now, second prince_ - „you have failed your duties as a prince and future king, failed this realm and all who hold it dear at heart" - _right, future king who is the liesmith again?_ - „as you have brought death and despair to the realm of midgard. You committed kings slaughter and intended genocide on the Jotun and your actions have lead to the destruction of the bifröst. For this you will be punished with pain. Until it measures the cries of the mortal mothers that lost their children and until you feel as lost as those children, now orphans, crying for their parents. Until you feel as empty as the husbands who have lost their wifes and fathers having lost their children. Until you feel as aimless and afraid as the Jotun without their king to protect them from the likes of you." - _well Allfather this was already done before I came to midgard, I would have you hear me, that this is not punishement, but my lips are locked _- „and after that you will be contained at the dark dungeons until those you have wronged in this realm would decide with one voice to release you." - _He wouldn´t even grand me death._ - „Heimdal bring forth Surtr´s whip."

A whisper travels through the crowd. Frigga turns to her husband with eyes wide of shock. Sif and the Warriors three stare to the ground as Thor bows down to his father´s ear but is silenced imidiatly by a gesture. One of the guards releases Loki from the muzzle „Do you accept your punishement?" „I do, my Lord Odin" „Then we shall procede."

The tunic is torn from his torso and Volstagg cuts of the pants legs with a dagger in order to present Lokis already bashed and scared skin. These signs of injury none had been prepared to see. „This is not of the Avengers making, mother. I swear it upon Mjölnir." Thor exclaimes as his mother shots up from her throne in shock. All of those on the stage can look upon injuries of different age. The most recent from Midgard are mere scratches compared to the large gashes zigzaging over Lokis abdomen to be covered by the rest of his throusers only to continue on the back of his legs down to his ankles. Some of them look as if reopend and elaborated with acid or burns. A sharp inhale is heard from Sif and Fandral whispers „well Surtr´s whip won´t find a spot that´s not punished already."

„Silence!" Odins voice sounds like thunder. „The Allfather´s verdict has been spoken and it will be done. Bind him. When your cries measure the pain you have caused, Loki, I see your judgement fullfilled."

The first slashes come strong, the flaming whip hisses when wielded and when it touches skin, burning red marks into Loki´s pale skin. At some point the torturer takes pity and eases the force of his strokes. With the effect that the ends of the whip tangle around the limbs and burn themselves into the flesh. Only then Loki gives a whince of pain, other than that there is utter silence among the Idawöll. Only interrupted by the fizzeling of the whip.

Finally his knees give in and he is hanging in his binds like a forgotten puppet. „Would you stop this madness, father." „What madness. He could end it right away." „But he will not. Can´t you see? This is selfdestruction." Odins eyes flicker for a moment, then he gives a sign to the guards and the torment is over. The entire crowd bows as their king rises and leaves up the staires of the palace followed by his wife and his son. The Idawöll empties slowly leaving a barely concious Loki entangled in his binds like a caught insect in a spiders web and a very concerned looking Sif.

She had always known Loki had a crush on her. Ever since the day down in Idunns garden when they had been sitting in the apple orchard and she had asked him to cut her hair. She knew from the soft touch, the careful cutting with his daggers, he always kept sharp as scalpels. And when the hair grew back as pitch black as his own she was certain. But he never courted her nor did he show any signs of affection. You could only catch a slight glimmer of that attraction when his guard sliped.

_What a pity actually_ - she thinks to herself - _I might have liked him back_. She starts cutting his binds and Loki´s worn out and tired body slumps into her shoulder as the restraints give away under her daggers. „Forgive me, Mylady. My composture lacks of the proper grace. How come my father punishes you with this dreadful sight?" „I am to escort you to the dungeons." Her voice is hard. Actually harder then she intented but she has not forgotten about the destroyer and the day in New Mexico. She is angry.

And that is why she is not gentile and careful as she hauls him up to his feet. It takes them some attempts until Loki can support his own weight and walk. It is a very slow process as he needs to rest several times in between and can hardly make it down the few stairs from the stage because his vision blurs and he almost trips. They leave a trail of blood drops, because the whip has ripped open one of the nastier gashes zigzaging across his flank and there is a red creek running down his left leg.

Finally they arrive in Loki´s cell and he collapses on the floor. „Come on now it´s not that far to your bed. Just few steps" By now her anger has succumbed to the overwhelming pity for this shambled creature that once has been the smug and smart prince of Asgard. „Please, please don´t make me move any further." he whispers, his voice raspy and weak and as she looks into his eyes, she doubts that she has ever seen anyone more sad, or more lost or more exhausted.

He is already passed out, when she tucks him into the blanket she took from the prison bed.


	2. Chapter 2

A week later everyone seems to have forgotten about that disturbing day the second prince had received his judgement. The late spring didn´t leave anyone to troublesome thoughts and the court of Asgard was humming with delighted business like a bees hive. When Eir came forth during counseling time and bowed down before Odins throne Sif was sure it would be on behalf of the new healing room and to report how that came forth.

Instead an uneasy Eir states „Your son has been taken ill, my Lord." „Oh dear, since I saw him having a healthy appetite this morning, I know that it cannot be as bad as your troubled face suggests." he chuckles „tell me, dear Eir, what is really on your mind." „Allfather, I did talk about your other son. He is not well at all, struck with an heavy fever and the injuries of his punishment are highly infected. I thought about moving him to the healing rooms, but in his halluzinations he is a danger to the healers."

A heavy pause is filling the throneroom. A deep wrinkle of concern forms on Odin´s forhead, and Frigga beside him fidgets with the hem of her sleeve. „Go on." Eir clears her throat and tells the court about Lokis condition. About strange dark blue markings that crawl over the skin of the prince as the fever peaks and how he slips in and out of conciousness but when concious is shaken by strange halluzinations. „When we tried to change the bandages he would kick and scream. Five guards had to hold him down so I could procede my work. The burning wounds are highly infected but it is the old injuries that really worry me. I think we should reopen these and revision the scars. There is just something not right with those. But I can tell you more as soon as I had a look. But at this moment there is no treating him, the fever is too high when he is unconcious and when awake it is not possible to get near him."

„Is he aggressive?" „No, my Lord, he is afraid." „Well I didn´t spare his live, so he is to perish of an infection." „Respectfully, Allfather, you might not have done him a favor doing so."

Silence filled the throneroom as Eir said this. Every Asgardian knows her to have highest regards for any life. She had ever fought hard for all lost causes and gives her very best should any injured or sick come to the healing rooms. Frigga looks at her and the tears fall silently on the beautiful gown. She does not agree with her husband on the course of action concerning Loki. But she will never let on any scrupels she has in front of anyone else but Odin himself. „Is there any way to ease his suffering?"

„We could try moving him to the healing rooms and have a sei∂r cast soothing spells to ease the halluzinations and maybe after cleaning the wounds properly we can start some fever treatment." Eir answers to her queen, who after a short glance at her king says „good. We shall do that. Lady Sif, would you please prepare the transfer of my son from the dungeons to the healing rooms? I shall join you there for the enchantments, Eir."

„As you wish, my queen" Eir and Sif answer simultaniuosly and leave. „I will send two healers to pick him up as soon as we are done with the preparations. It might take a while." „That is alright" Sif answers „I will give instructions to the guards on our way and then wait for the healers at Loki´s cell" and as their paths separat Eir says „Prepare yourself, Sif, it is not a pretty sight." And she briskly walks down the hall towards the healing chambers.

Well as much as Sif would have prepared herself she still was a warrior and not one of the healers. She could deal with blood and cuts and dreadful wounds. But suffering is something she has trouble to stomache. And nothing could have prepared her for what she had to witness right now.

As she came down to the dungeons and asked the guards about the trickster. They said that he had awoken with a panicked yell about half an hour ago and was stuck in halluzinations since then. And now she is looking through the magic glass of his cell and sees a deranged Loki sitting on the floor sqeezed far into the corner between his bed and the wall. He tries to fold up as much as possible like he wants to hide himself. His eyes are wide and glassy as they stare into nowhere, his body is shaken by a constant tremor and he mumbles syllables under his breath that Sif cannot hear.

She takes a moment, before she decides to step inside. „Mylady, I wouldn´t do that, if I was you." One of the guards says „He turned completely insane." „But he is not just the prisoner, but a childhood friend. And I am Lady Sif. I think I can handle this." she scolds of the guard and steps inside.

She carefully takes step after step towards and sits down beside him. „Loki" she whispers „it´s me Sif. Can you hear me?" And very slowly he turns his head to face her, cheeks hollow and cold sweat on his face. He is as pale as the wall behind him. „Sif, you need to help me please. They are coming. He is coming. I can´t get away. No, no, no way out. He is inside me, Sif, please please make him go away. Please." - _And there I was thinking a week ago was the worst condition I would ever see him in_ - „Loki there is none here except for us two." „No, no you do not understand, he is inside of me, they are..." „Loki calm down" she says and reaches out her hand and to her surprise he doesn´t shrink away from it and she starts stroking the back of his hand.

„shhhh, shhhh." It is like comforting a scared child, she feels akward doing it but it works and Loki´s tense body gives in and loosens slightly. She carefully gets up from the floor and takes booth of his hands. „Come on up, Loki, lie down in your bed and try to sleep." And he crawls arkwardly on his fours onto the matress and curls up against the headboard. And as she looks at him she tries to remember who he had been before that day when Thor was supposed to become king.


	3. Chapter 3

Fall had laid a golden glow over the city and the warm sun of an early october day gleamed through the branches in Idunns garden. She had found him sitting under a tree. Reading of course. While Thor and the others had wandered off to feast and drink after a good training. Sif had not joined them like usualy.

Fandrall had offened her griefly that day. She had bested him by far and when he had to surrender he had stroked her hair and said it. „Well, dear Sif. With these golden waves you have bewitched me. It was not a fair fight, Shieldmaiden. You have tricked me with your beauty so I had no chance. You might even be a better trickster than then silvertongued." The implication that she had been cheating had spoiled her victory in a instand. Had made her feel guilty about her triumph and doubt her abilities. Even though she knew that she had not cheated but clearly was the better fighter.

And in this moment it occured to her why Loki never was with them to celebrate. Everybody accused him of cheating all the time. There wasn´t a day on the training fields when Loki´s victory was not compromised by the insinuation that he had used magic. Even though Sif was certain he hardly ever did on the training grounds.

It was hard to win against him, not because of his magic but his abilities as a fighter. Unlike Thor or Volstagg it was not strength and force that made him a great fighter. He was fast. Fast and flexible. While the others favorite wapons were axes and hammers, swords and spears Loki mastered his two daggers. When they were young Odin had criticized him for that choice. „Not very wise, son. What will be your defense?" Loki had thought for a moment and then had answered in a firm tone „Me" and had taken the daggers. And as it turned out he really didn´t need much of a defense because he was almost never in the spot you expected him to be.

„Thank you. Loki." „What for?" „For defending me I guess." „I didn´t defend you. I just stated that it might be Fandral´s own fault when he can´t keep his mind out of his pants during a fight. Why are you to blame for his lack of selfdiscipline." Loki hadn´t looked up from the book. Sif had the feeling she was bothering him. „Well, I leave you to your reading Loki." she said and turned slowly. „What is it, Sif?" he dramatically shut his book with a loud clap and looked up towards her.

She sat down cross-legged across him and said „How do I become different?" „Why do you ask me that?" „Because you stick out like a sore thumb. You are the most distinguished of us all. How did you become so different?" A slight shadow fell over his eyes and he almost looked offended. There was a weird pause before he said „I think you all made me. Really, Sif, what is it you want from me here?" Suddenly he sounded sad and tired.

Sif didn´t know. But she wanted to be different then the other women of Asgard. Not only by her behaviour she wanted everyone to see immediatly that she was not like them. She wanted to be like Loki who was so different with his magic and slim stature his black hair - _That´s it, the hair_ - „I want you to cut my hair." „What?" Loki was perplexed. „Yes" Sif said more firmly „I want you to cut my hair. All of it. Down to the skin. You do have your daggers with you, don´t you?"

She sliped closer to Loki when he noded and then turned around. „Are you sure about this, Sif?" „Absolutely!" She bended her head backwards to look into the pink evening sky as Loki groomed with his fingers through her long blond hair separating strand by strand and then cut it of. When he accidentally touched her, his soft fingers had hardly brushed the sensitive skin on her neck and ears. It had been a very intense and intimate situation for both of them. Sif had wished in that moment that he would have shown his affection for her and had just kissed her. But when all the long strands of her golden head were spilled around them he had just whispered „Don´t move." And she felt the cold and sharp steel at her neck.

He shaved her entire head with his dagger. When he was almost done he asked her to lay back and she rested her head on his legs and he shaved down the rest of it. She closed her eyes and felt the blade gliding over her skin and Loki pulling it careful to create a smooth surface so he would not cut her. When he was done he swiped over her face to free her of all the tiny tickeling hairs that had fallen down.

„How does it feel?" Sif stroke over her bare head. „Light and fresh. How does it look?" Loki took a while before he answered „Naked. But very different. That´s what you wanted right?" Sif gave him a broad smile „Yes" she said „that´s what I wanted. Come on let´s go eat and see all their faces." And she jumped to her feet and pulled Loki up. And as they both strolled towards the palace she skipped in anticipation.

When they both entered the big dining hall she knew she had accomplished what she was hoping for. Everyone stared at her bare head. Their mouths dropping open as she passed by. She felt like a queen in this moment and enjoyed all the attention. But then something happend she had not intended. Her and Loki were passing by the royal table as Odin stood up and stopped them in their tracks.

„Who did this to you?" „Oh, Loki did. I..." She said smiling but before she could do anything to prevent it Odin had slapped Loki so hard across the face that the young man lost this balance and almost fell into the table. „But she.." „Silence! Get out of my face. I don´t want to see you for the rest of the day. How dare you?" Sniggering was heard from some of the tables. Sif was dumb struck, she could neither speak nor move. She could see the hurt and embarrassed look on his face when he walked past her to the hallway that led to his chambers.


	4. Chapter 4

Slowly his eyelids flutter open and he closes them immediatly because of the bright lights. And then he realizes that his old wounds hurt. For a second he believes he is back with his torturers and that the fight on Midgard and his return to Asgard had just been an illusion. But then he carefully touches his wounds and feels the sutures. A relieved sigh leaves his chapped lips.

So he opens his eyes again and there she is. „Good. You are awake. Now I must leave, my child. Your father wishes to see you when you are mended. Goodbye now." And Frigga kisses him on the forehead and walks out of the healing rooms.

Loki is confused. He has no recolletion of how and why he is here. His memory breaks of somewhere on the way from the Idawöll to the dungeons. He remembers a resentful Sif dragging him along and the insufferable pain from the whip. And then he recalls utter darkness and cold, like falling from the bifröst all over again. And pain, piercing pain.

Now Eir steps up to his bed. „You are awake Loki. That is good. I was not sure you would make it. Are you in pain?" „Yes" He can hardly speak. His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth and his lungs hurt as he tries to breath in deeper. „I will bring you some soluted Samitala and then change your wound dressings. That should ease the pain." And she rushes off.

The first sip of the Samitala burns and tastes bitter. But then the numbing starts and his head feels lighter. Eir undresses him from the light tunic and loosens the bloodcrusted old bandages. „You let me know, Loki, if you feel any discomfort. I will clean your sutures now. It might sting a little but it shouldn´t hurt too much." - _Why is she so kind to me? It is quite unsettling_. - She works calmly and thoroughly, her young scholar handing her the equipment quietly. „This one might hurt" „Ahhh" Loki cries out „Almost done, hang in there Loki, it will be done in a second. Good. I will just put on the new bandages and then you can rest."

„Thank you, Eir." he says when he is dressed again leaning back in the pillow. „Your welcome, Loki." „Did he come to see me while I was sick?" Eir turns to look at him and pity is written all over her face „Which one?" „Either." And she just shakes her head. Loki swallows down the tears that threaten to rise within him „I see."

He closes his eyes and he does not know which pain is actually worse. The one of the freshly reopend torture gashes or the one coiling up under his heart. He almost passed away and neither Odin nor Thor had come to see him. - _Well there is really no point in telling the truth then. Especially when nobody cares, again_. - he thinks to himself. And as he drifts into sleep he decides to be angry and he lets all the wrong accusations and harsh punishments grow within him. And he lets the everlasting shadow of his brother grow further in his mind until it becomes this great bubble of anger and frustration that will shield him from further pain.

He is transfered to the dungeons as soon as Eir removes the sutures. Even though she protests wildly. „I know this is your reign, healer. But I must insist" the guard tells her „The Allfather was very clear about it." „Tell, the Allfather, that I am very clear about this. If I do not get access to the dungeons until my patient is fully recovered he will have to see me everyday during counseling time. And he can explain to me why he keeps the best healer in the nine realms only to ignore her expertice."

Three weeks later Loki walks down the great throne hall. The chains clunk as he moves. He recovered nicely under Eir´s care and you can not tell that he had just escaped death few weeks before. But within him a fierce wrath had grown dark and uncontrolable. At everyone.

„Have I made you proud?" His sarcasm is ment to hurt, to keep everyone at a save distance. And it feels rewarding, at least for the moment. For once after almost 3 years he is back in control, knows what he is capable of. Until it all vaporates into thin air. „It is my birthright!" „Your birthright was to die. As a child. Cast out onto a frozen rock." That sentence pierces through the wall of loathing and anger like a sharp spear through silk and shatters the last bit of love for his father and crunches the last piece of self-respect, that had been left after all these years.

He keeps himself straight on his way to the dungeons - _Don´t give them the satisfaction. You might be the monster, you should have died milleniums ago, you are worth nothing but the lie of a king. They can keep you in a dungeon but you are completely free, of everything_ - _you have nothing to loose anymore. _Those are the thoughts he repeats time after time until the magic barrier closes behind him and the shackles fall of. As he should learn very soon. He is wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

**I know the chapters seem to get shorter every time. But this will change again. But sometimes you have to be fast to the point to serve your imagination well. This is one of those chapters. But for it´s shortness it is intense.**

* * *

„And what am I punished for, Odin? What have I done to deserve this? Not to see one of my beloved sons ever again. How cruel!" Frigga is beside herself. „Have you thought about anyone else but yourself and your sense of justice, my dear husband? Did you? Did you? Of course not. The Allfather´s verdict is sacrosanct and beyond any questioning." She is pacing up and down their chamber. Furious as only a godess can be. „I have kept my tongue in a cage for long enough now. I have said nothing when you brought him, a new born, into the nursery with Thor just a year old. `Here, that´s the prince of Jotunheim´ you said `shall he be prince of Asgard as his father cast him out´" She imitates Odins voice perfectly.

„I have said nothing when you ignored all his efforts and achievements but praised Thor in front of everyone for almost anything. I figured it is hard to love your enemy´s offspring, when you have seen your own men dying by his hand. I honored your wish not to tell him, when he started to notice the talk about him being different. He even asked me one day. `Am I even yours, mother?´ I had to lie to him. To his face. It crushed me."

And now she starts to cry. „Was I not a loyal wife and companion through all those centuries? Have I not earned the right to be heard on that matter before you take one of my precious children away from me for eternity? I shared my magic with him, taught him to read and to draw the most beautiful illusions. Is that nothing to you? Have you ever loved him at all?"

„Of course I have loved him." Odin answers in self-defense „But I am the king. I cannot rule over Asgard and be merciful at such a grief offense. He had to be punished in a way that it would hurt him." „Because he had not been hurt enough then. But right you did not come down to the healing rooms to see what dreadful injuries Surtr´s whip had caused. Nor did you witness him screaming and begging for his life to an unknown malice in his halluzinations. You weren´t there when Eir cut open those scars and we pulled out the enchanted shards of gruesome torture devices. You did not care."

„Why didn´t you tell me?" „Because you haven´t asked me once, how he was doing." She pauses and then walks up to him „I can not stand your self righteousness for another second. I will retreat to my private chambers and I do not wish to be disturbed." And she leaves. „Frigga, I can not undo it now." „Me neither, Odin, me neither."

* * *

**Coming up: A mischievious Flash back Chapter**


	6. Chapter 6

**This one is a mix between Norse mythology and the Avengers version of the protagonists. It´s a rather long chapter and I splitted it up in two. I hope you like this slightly modern version of a very old story. I had much fun writing it. **

* * *

The guards heard the giggles and chuckles echo through the long hallways of the palace long before the group of five rascal young gods and a young goddess ran past them. The joyful laughter messing with their breathing as they tried to get away from the sight of their prank as quickly as possible. Usually running at the top of the group was the first son of Asgard, Thor, closely followed by Sif the loyal maiden, then Fandral and Hogun, and then Volstagg who had slight trouble keeping up. And the rear guard being Loki casting audible illusions of footsteps into crossing hallways to mislead the eventually vengeful followers.

But tonight they seemed not really like running from something rather than enjoying their little coup. Racing each other and skipping on their way to their favored lounge, to celebrate what looked like quite a victory. Greeting their favourite guard Brogarsson on their way. He smiled silently to himself. - _being young and reckless, what a good time_.

„You have outdone yourself, brother!" Thor roared as soon as they had closed the door behind them. „That was amazing." „I don´t think I have ever had this much fun before" Hogun called over while igniting the stack on the fireplace. „Trickster" Fandral clapped his hand on Lokis shoulder „Stupendous! Stupendous!" And then they all started preparing the stolen food from the feasting hall and got ready to celebrate. Leaving Loki close by the door where he lingered for a little while in the shadow „Why do I have the feeling though I will be the one to take all the blame. Again." he said rather to himself. „Oh brother, don´t be gloomy now. That was one of the greatest tricks you ever pulled of. Don´t spoil your triumph yet. Father will be doing that for you soon enough. Come feast with us." He raised his mug with ale „To Thyrm the numbskull!"

„And did you see Freya´s face?" Sif said, causing the notorious smirk to grow on Loki´s face. You could hear the gleeful delight in his voice „Yes, indeed I did. And you know what?" The entire group fell quiet. „Whatever the Allfather has in store for my punishment that expression was totally worth it." And he mockingly imitated the shocked and embarrassed Freya to his friends. They all roared with hearty laughter.

„It was about time. This pretentious priss had it coming." Sif said firmly. Freya was of the same age as Thor, Hogun and Fandrall, a year older then Loki and two years older than Sif. She was one of the courts most promissing young ladies, constantly followed by a crowd of other girls who wanted a spark of that glimmer. She was extraordinarily beautiful and incredibly talented with the sei∂r and the neverending praise of those features had lead on to an excessive arrogance. Especially towards those who where not showered with the approval of the realm, Sif and Loki.

„I think you might have been a bit harsh on her, brother." Thor said. Despite of their knowledge about how badly she treated Sif and Loki, the older gods could not help but to swoon over Freya a little bit. „Have I?" Loki pursed his lips „No, I don´t think so, Thor." And he blinked to Sif with one eye. „Yes you have!" The four other stated in unison. „Oh, enough with this unfulfilled yearning, boys! I will get physically sick if I have to see you all make those lovesick bobcat eyes any longer!" Sif cried out dramatically and let herself fall into the cushions of the chaise longue.

The others joined her on the seatings around the fireplace. And they went over the happenings of this evening over and over again, until the mead had made them all jolly and the food had filled their stomaches.

Earlier in the day a delegation from Jotunheimr had arrived at Asgard to discuss a new treaty with the Allfather concerning the peace between the two realms. On those occasions, that repeated every half century, the Allfather was in a particularly bad mood and not to be trifled with. Each and everyone of the counsils held by the two enemy realms was on the brink of becoming a diplomatic fiasco. The slightest misunderstanding could lead into the next war. So the Allfather retreated with his closest advisors for weeks beforehand and the Allmother was plagued with shattering migranes.

Laufey´s brother Mimir had come as an ambassador with the traditional group of nine acompany him. Amongst them was Thyrm, a young and eager frostgiant, who was said to be son of one of Laufey´s many mistresses, but refused to become a prince by Farbautis´ verdict. He was proud and kept grining derisively towards Thor and Loki at the welcoming ceremony. Freya had been bestowed the honour of bringing the welcoming mead within the golden bilgesnipe horn to Mimir. When she passed by him, Loki witnessed a glint of longing and desire in Thyrms gaze and that had led to the later retaliation plan.

When the ceremony was over Thor and Loki where supposed to keep the three young frostgiants company, whilst Odin and Mimir and their advisors would treaty with each other.

As Thor and Loki approached the arranged meeting point they could hear Thyrm brag to his fellows: „Ah, Thor, that witless oaf! You could steel his hammer from under his nose and he would not have a clue about it until you hit him on the head with it." And they would all laugh at Thor´s expense. Thor and Loki had looked at each other not even for a second and the prank was a done deal.

Loki tricked Thyrm into indeed stealing Mjölnir from Thor, who would later clatter through all the royal chambers, pretending to look for it and making a big fuss. Such a fuss that even Odin in his secluded state dealing with his governmental affairs would hear about his first born missing his favourite weapon.

In the meantime Loki had told Sif and the warriors three the plan that was supposed to be performed at the traditional farewell feast in the evening to retrieve Thor´s hammer and get back at Thyrm for his mocking. And en passant would include Freya as collateral damage, which was not so collateral at all. But that he kept to himself.

She had been showing of for days when Frigga had asked her to bring the mead at the welcoming ceremony. Not only was that a very prestigous task but she would stand next to the Queen and the first born of Asgard. She was flirting with Thor every chance she got. „Of course Frigga could never ask Sif" she had said loud enough for Loki and Sif to hear during their Sei∂r lesson in Idunns garden „that girl might loose her temper and accidentally behead Mimir with the golden horn. And then we´d be in trouble." The group of girls around her snickered endorsingly „aww, the poor girl, so much in love with prince Thor, but I tell you, Odin would never have her be queen. Much too pert this one, she has no sense of how to behove." And Freya would go on and on but Loki and Sif had gone to the other end of the orchard.

Sif had been fuming with anger „... no sense of how to behove" she had aped Freya „Whatever! I´m not after Thor for the throne!" „Too bad. The poor people of Asgard might get her for a queen then!" Loki had remarked with a broad grin. „Oh, shush."

* * *

**Next chapter will be up tomorrow**


	7. Chapter 7

„But we might cause a war with this!" Volstagg had exclaimed. „No, we won´t. Thyrm has stolen Mjölnir, a little show to retrieve it won´t do much harm. Besides Thyrm can count his blessings when Mimir is not beheading him on their way home for being so stupid." Loki had answered and so the plan was set.

The great feasting hall had been decorated marvellously. The tables almost cracking, filled with roasts and fruit, desserts and mead, loafs of fresh bread and deliciously prepared vegetables. The palace kitchen had not held back on the best of Asgardian cuisine and the servants had been working for days to show the feasting hall in all the glamour it had been presenting itself. The farewell to the delegation had been about to start.

Thor had keep himself back in the sevants´ hallway in a storage cabinet. When the entrance ceremony had begun. Odin, Frigga and the delegation had already been seated to one side of the head table while Heimdall introduced every couple to sit down at the other side. But now everything had been mixed up because the heir to the throne of Asgard was a no show.

„I announce Lady Freya, escorted by Prince..." Loki steped forward from his original position beside Sif „... Loki? ...of Asgard" and while Loki pulled out the chair for Freya Odin whispered angrily „Where is your brother?" „I have no idea. He does not report to me is every whereabout." And he had sat beside Freya right across from Thyrm and the younger frostgiants. Following were Sif now escorted by Fandral, Hogun escorted Verdandi, much to both their dismay and Volstagg, like usually, came alone.

Volstagg and Hogun prefered to attend these occasions without any escort, Volstagg, so he could eat his meal in peace and didn´t have to bother talking, and Hogun was not the one to exchange meaningless pleasantries. Verdandi had been so excited to go with the charming and wonderful Fandral and was now stuck with the clam, Hogun.

When Sif was about to sit down beside Freya she had lost her balance and bumped into the other, who was holding a goblet filled with mead. Freya had spilled a good amount of the liquid over her gorgeous dress and had difficulties holding herself back. „Oh forgive me!" Sif said „How clumsy I am." While Odin rolled his eyes unnerved to the ceiling.

„Excuse us, for a moment" Loki had bowed apologizing towards the delegation before Fandral and him escorted Freya to the washing rooms, just like planed. Freya had been outraged and yelled at Loki just to ease her frustration. „Now, now, darling" Fandral said „calm down. We´ll get the spot out." And while he had flirted and charmed Freya for a bit. Loki had taken the chance and spelled the spot not to fade and stole himself out of the washing rooms to meet up with Thor in the hallway.

„Quickly now, brother!" And Loki had transformed Thor into the beautiful maiden. They had been just about to reenter the hall when Fandral joined them. „Good work, Loki. She asked me to excuse her for a bit to the Allfather and Allmother. The dress is ruined. She has to change." „That gives us about an hour, good. Would you stop dragging at your dress, Thor. You are supposed to be Freya!" „Ugh, this thing is way to tight. Is it supposed to be? Awful!" And Thor pressed his new breasts together in order to arrange them more comfortably in his unaccustomed attire. „I have no idea how any of them can stand this. I mean how do you breath?" „Stop whining. You do want your hammer back don´t you?"

When they had returned to the table, the meal had already begun and delightful conversation was filling the room. „May I introduce Lady Freya" Loki said to Thyrm „one of the exquisit young maidens of Asgard and a true juwel amongst the finest of them." „Indeed, indeed." Thyrm had agreed „But where is Prince Thor? Is he not feasting with us tonight?" „No, Mylady." Loki had to try hard not to burst out laughing, as had the other insiders to the plan. „I assume he is still searching for Mjönir. Haven´t you heard, Mylady. It has gone missing." „Oh dear, what a tragedy. He is so attractive when he whields his hammer."

Sif started coughing. She had choked on a piece of roast, when Thor had said this line. It was way too hilarious. But it had worked very effectivly on Thyrm who suspected to have now the advantage to this beauty´s heart in his possesion. But Thor had the feeling now he had overacted and grew nervous. And like he always did when nervous he started drinking and eating.

„But the young Lady, does have an astonishing appetite." Thyrm noticed in bewilderment. „Yes, yes, indeed." Loki said, kicking Thor under the table „You must know, she had been sick with anticipation." „Yeff I hab!" Thor had nodded furiously while answering with a full mouth and then gulping down the fourth goblet of mead. „She has not eaten for two weeks now. She was so excited upon your visit." Thor filled his plate for the third time with a big slice of meat. Loki had realized now that Thor was way to nervous to say anything without blowing his cover.

Especially now that the unusual eating habit of the young Lady Freya had captured the attention of Odin and Frigga. The later quizzically looked at her son as if she suspected something phony. So Loki had taken over the conversation. „And she was to be escorted by prince Thor. You must know, Lady Freya, is part of a prophecy concerning Mjölnir." Now Loki had the giants full attention and the trap was about to snap shut. „Urd had spoken upon her mother carrying her under her heart. Your child is to be the wife to him holding the force of lightning and thunder hammering the clouds to pieces, making the land fruitful." And Thor had blinked sheepishly at that comment and whispered „Ohhh Thor."

A broad smile had grown on Thyrm´s face „But Thor doesn´t whield the lightning and thunder any more." And he winked at the young Lady and whispered „I do." „Oh my I hold it?" Thor whispered seductively, and Thyrm now completly blinded by desire said „Yes, my darling." He handed Mjölnir to Thor in his disguise under the table. And now that the frost giant had been deceived, Thor jumped from his chair, forgetting that he was still in the apperance of Freya, and had whirled Mjölnir over his head.

It had been the second when the real Freya had entered the feasting hall gazing at an illusion of herself with utter shock. Thor´s unrestrained devouring had tensed the strings of the corsage to their uttmost capacity and Loki had felt the opportunity rather than he had planned it and he had just to crook his index finger for a bit. As the dress was his conjuring the string gave in to that little comand and snapped, unleashing two snow white breasts to the entire Asgarian court and a delegation of frostgiants to look at. Freya had stood petrified for a couple of seconds before she had left the hall crying.


	8. Chapter 8

Thor hates and loves this memory at the same time. He loves it because this was one of the best nights of his long life, a great prank, all his friends and his little brother together, all having fun, drinking, feasting and in the end even dancing. He remembers that he had it all in this one moment, genuine happiness. When he was with Jane he almost felt like this again.

And when he realizes this he starts to hate it because it makes him aware of how much he lost. Much to his own account. He never said it out loud but he knows that a big chunk of his anger towards Loki is anger at himself. He had it all and had risked it out of vanity and an unwarranted sense of supremacy. He had to see his brother let go of Mjölnir and fall deep into nothingness before he even noticed on whose shoulders he had been standing on in the spotlight all this years.

He hates this memory because it makes him realize, how angry he is at his father. For favoring him all those years, despite all of Lokis accomplishments, despite the fact that Loki had been better suited for the throne, and had made rivals of the brothers this way. And then again he despises himself for not saying anything about it, for taking the praise naturally, while Loki seemed to get the reprimand no matter what. Because he now admits to himself, he had known always that their fathers good graces were unevenly splitt between the two.

But he is furious with his brother. That is the reason he cannot visit him in the dungeons. The fact he attacked earth twice to get back at him is outragous in itself. And Thor will not let that one go easily. But that Loki did have to prove all of those who doubted him right, that one gets Thor into the mood where he wants to strangle some sense into him. - _Why in Valhallas name did you with all your cleverness have to ruin yourself to such a proportion_.

Sif knows she has never seen Thor this sad, this broken. And she wants to fix it. Be a good friend, be supportive, take his mind of off these things, to make him forget for a moment, that he misses him so much. Him and Jane. There is no feast or binge that can bring back either of them and thats why all the things that made him light and frivolous before now are a stale and empty echo from what they were once. „I thank you for your sword. And for your counsil good Lady Sif." And with that he leaves.

_Well, friend, I know exactly how you feel so can´t really blame you_ - she thinks as she walks back into the tavern. „Ahhh, what´s with the sorry face Sif? Did your combat spirit fail the prince´s wish to linger?" Fandrall winks at Sif and receives a bump from Volstagg into the rips. „Don´t be like that!" „Like what? Sif have you ever considered simply telling Thor?" „Telling Thor what, Fandral?" Sif knows exactly what Fandrall alludes to but she plays dumb. „That you are in love with him. Lady Sif!" „Now tell me. Why would I lie to one of my best friends?"

„You are not?" Surprisingly it was Volstagg who spoke. „No I am not. I love him dearly as a friend. And it hurts me to see him like that. But I am not in love with him. I don´t want to marry him and have four little versions of him, that´d be exhausting. Besides who will keep you guys on your toes then." and she pokes Volstagg in his belly. „Who would have thought that entire Asgard could be wrong about this." Fandral grinned. „Well for some reason" Sif answers „I seem to be the one they are constantly wrong about. I am not even sure if there is anyone in this realm I´d want to be in love with. It don´t seems like we are ready for, what do they call it on Midgard? Emanzipation." a broad smile showing on her face as she continues „or could you picture Volstagg feed children and hanging up laundry, singing like his lovely wife does?" And all three of them keep laughing and singing for an hour longer before they all go home.

* * *

**Okay, next chapters will drip with angst again. We have two major deaths coming up**.


	9. Chapter 9

A dark foreboding creeps it´s way into Loki´s mind. Hours have passed ever since he revealed the right way outside of the dungeons to the strange prisoner. And now there is silence of the grave. And he feels an emptiness inside him. There is something very, very wrong. Restlessness takes hold of him and he paces up and down the magical barrier. None of the guards have been coming back. Usually at this time there is one coming with a nicely prepared platter, a jug full of wine and at least one book and a note from the queen.

_I have been too cruel and now mother is offended. That´s why none is coming today. I will later get the disgusting porridge all of the incarcerated get_. - But there is nobody coming this night. The few left prisoners including him have to starve. Not that he had been hungry anyway. He walks up and down the cell, up - _this is wrong, why are none of them coming back_ - down - _but if the prisoners had won they had come to free the rest of us down here _- up - _this doesn´t make any sense_ - down -_ valhalla this is like being buried alive_. And it drags on like this for hours until Loki finally gets tired and falls into an uneasy sleep.

_He is a child again, standing on the heath in the last rays of a fading day. Behind him is Yggdrasil spreading it´s web of energy through him and the worlds. He can see the nine realms aligned in a perfect circle around him. He feels he vibrant pulse of the sei∂r flowing in his veins, his every fibre. _This is when he knows that it is a vision. Ever since Frigga taught him magic he has been stricken with psycic dreams that had revealed some dark truths from one of the nine realms_. And now there is his mother coming towards him. The child him is running up to her. „I am sorry mother. I did not want to hurt you" And he embraces her waist and buries his face in her belly. She strokes his raven hair. And then a sharp blade punches through her chest, missing his ear by millimeters. Her blood runs down over his face and she sinks to her knees. Behind her a strange man appears with white hair and pointed ears. Dead eyes starring at him, he loosens his embrace and the man grabs Frigga by the troat and hauls her with him. „MOTHER! MOTHER!" But he can´t move and as her features die, a silver orb is forming where the blade punctures her ribcage and it is floating towards him. It comes closer and closer until it absorbs into his chest_.

„MOTHER!" He awakes with a yell, the linen soaked and tangled around him. - _Oh no, no, no, what have I done, what have I done, what have I done. That can´t be true. It´s not. It´s not_. - And after countless rounds of restless pacing along his cell he has calmed down and decides that his bored and subchallanged mind has played a trick on him. And he sits down reading.

When the guard comes up to the magic barrier Loki knows before he starts to speak. „The queen fell." Loki acknowledges the information with a nod and the Einherjar leaves on the spot. Loki makes it for about five seconds before his anger and frustration explode. The first blow is condensed sei∂r that leaves the room in shambles. He remembers just in time to cast a projection around himself to shield him from the world outside before he gives into his grief.

His souls deep pain amplifies the sei∂r and it starts to act out on it own in all the different elements. The entire furniture around him is suddenly cast in a thick icecrust before a forceorb pushes all of it against the wall almost shattering the projection. The pieces of ice, sharp like scalpels now cover the floor. Fireflakes pop up from thin air and deflagrate in seconds burning tiny holes in Loki´s poor cloth. Then a kind of magnetic field builds within him that causes all the things in his cell to gravitate towards him. A porcelain plate hits him in the back of the head and breaks. The shards tumble down his back. That is only the first object that hits him. When the force of the upholstered one seater crashes into his leg, he trips, steping first into the shards of ice and than falls down on all his fours. The flinch of physical pain stops the sei∂r outburst. With cuts on his feet and hands he lies down on the floor and cries, the hot salty tears melting the chunks of ice his face lies on.

He cries for days. Refuses food and water. Which irritates the guards as they can see him eat and drink but everytime they bring a new bowl of porridge they find the former one untouched by the hatch. Of course Loki´s projections are not mere images of a constant illusion casting like everyone suspects. They are so well made that those who look upon them see what they want to see.

Sei∂r is a very demanding force. Something that the warriors of Asgard never really bothered to notice because they would stop it´s use at a very basic level. But the experienced conjurers know that if whielded uncautiosly one might force his own lifepower into a spell. And then they would loose grip of their own body, to linger on in an empty state neither dead nor alive. But one can also overstrain by casting spells over a long period of time. This is why it takes long and hard training for the sei∂r to whield. As well as one had to train for fighting and battle.

And at this point Loki is worn out. The burst of magic has cost him much energy that he couldn´t even have regained by the poor prison food. He feels sick and dizzy, when after days of agonyzing loneliness his brother shows up at the barrier. It´s been a week since the guard has informed him of Frigga´s passing.

„No more illusions." Loki is surrprised how fast Thor looks right through the illusion. - _Now, now, look at the oaf, figuring some stuff out recently_ - yet he is slightly hurt by the fact what it is Thor expected him to do in the first place. But for all the frustration this special feature of his illusions bares it also gives him ever the advantage. He can act enough „in character" as everybody expects him to. So he sends a tiny spark do disenable the projection.

„When do we start?" „Right now. I have your clothing in one of the chambers close to the dungeons and there is also some proper food for you. You better built up some strength fast. We do not have much time."


	10. Chapter 10

As the Kursed pulls Loki towards him he can smell the foul breath of the creature. The brute force of the embrace lets the blade slide through his sternum like a hot knife through butter. Pushing out the air in his lungs in a scream as the metal pierces into the soft tissue. Loki feels his rips crush as the sword comes out on the other side. He can hear his brother cry before the monstrosity pushes him off the blade and he thuds on the ground of this hope forsaken planet.

Although this didn´t quite go as planned his scheme has succeeded and the Kursed implodes into whatever dimension. And now that he realizes that he has taken vengance at his mothers murderer he feels strangely satisfied. Even at the cost of his own life. But this satisfaction does not last very long. Now that he notices that with every inhalation a tightness grows in his chest. And it is even getting harder and harder to breath. His heart becomes furious and beats faster against the tension. Loki has never felt cold before but now he is shivering. After all the suffering and despair he finally is about to die. He had wished for it so often while in captivity of the Chitauri, the day on the Idawöll and when he had let go of Mjölnir. But now that death is so close he is afraid.

Thor is holding him close. And just in this moment Loki realizes how much he has missed him all this last few years he was so busy hating him. He has not much time left, he can feel it as his breath is getting short and shorter by the second. He wants to hold on to his life and grabs Thor´s arm with all the strength he has left. - _I am not ready to go yet_.

„I´m a fool, I´m a fool" „I will tell father what you did here today." - _Are those tears, brother. After all I did you are crying for me? If I was not dying this very moment, I´d be truely happy_ - and then it sinks into the last foggy seconds of his conciousness that he was loved, unconditionly, by his brother and his mother. And it dawns on Loki that he hasn´t even gone on this suicide mission - _ha, how ironic_ - to revenge his mother but to stand by his brother, like he had always done for centuries.

He is not any longer afraid of letting go. There is one last breath in him. „I didn´t do it for him." And he relaxes - _there it is. Peace. At last._

Loki´s body goes limb in his arms. Not even a week has passed and Thor has lost the bigger part of his family. There is no words in all the realms to describe his pain. The tornado circling around them whips up the debris. He wants to hold on to the slender figure of his little brother. He looks so small now that he has passed. It breaks his heart that he has to leave him behind in the dirt. No ship to Valhalla and no last praises. His grave will be as dismal as he has been treated his entire life. - _No comfort and no release for you brother. I am so sorry. You deserved better than this_.

When the air inflates his collapsed lung a jolt of pain pushs Loki back into conciousness. The first few seconds he is completely disoriented. But as he opens his eyes and stares into the same grey and misty sky he had before his eyes when he passed out a first thought comes to his mind - _Oh, you got to be kidding me!_

**I one seems to be way too short, considering the main character "dies". But I believe everyone of you has their own ontake on that specific scene & I didn´t want to ruin that. The next chapters will be longer again. As there is more space to my own Imagination.**


	11. Chapter 11

**So this one covers a large time span. I hope it is not too confusing. The inserted lines signal the time warps.**

„We found a body." „Loki. All of you leave the great throne hall. I have to talk to the messenger, alone." One of the guards whispers to another. „This is great news. Malekith is defeated and the silvertongue is no more. What a good day for Asgard." And Odins voice suddenly echoed from every wall and column in the hall. „Don´t you dare talking about my son like that!" All the Einherjar stand still in shock, including the messenger.

„He has fallen from grace and has paid for it with pain and freedom. And now with his life. I have seen many of Asgards worthiest men fall and come back wiser and more placid than ever. You have not the slightest idea what has tinted his soul and led to his actions, and he is not alive to defend himself so let the former prince have peace." „Forgive me, Allfather." „You are forgiven. But keep in your thoughts to speak more kind of those deceased." „I will. Your Majesty." „Good, now all of you leave."

When the last sounds of footsteps die away Odin turns to look out of the window. „What happend to the Einherjar I send after you, Loki? You are not in good shape. Your illusion jitters. Might be enough to fool the palace guard, but I lived with your teacher for half an eternity." Odin doesn´t turn around, but he can sense the sei∂r fading, he knows Loki must be very weak when he has so little control over his greatest gift. „Your mother and I were at cross on your behalf. I never got the opportunity to make it right while she was here to witness it. But I am tired. Tired of not having here near and tired of fighting with you. I cannot bear seeing Thor being but a shadow of himself. I need to sleep, urgently. So I would like to ask you a favor."

„And what would that be?" his voice might be shaking but the cynical undertone can not be missed. „Take over the throne in my stead, Loki. Asgard needs a king." Odin turns, the short flinch he gives, is missed by his battered son, who´s armor is stained by a dark velvety splodge on his chest. The bloodloss has him shaking heavyly and every breath hurts. „Take a few days to mend, Loki but I cannot hold the Odin´s Sleep of for much longer. You will be me for some time." And he leaves Loki alone in the Great hall.

* * *

For the first four years it was his biggest dream come true. An exciting challange to whield so much power. To see his ideas and visions thrive and blossom. A new aera was declared in Asgard. The new peace had brought wealth and comfort to the merchants. Art, music and drama flourished. Some said Asgard had not seen happier days. Loki was restless, he worked and worked day and night. Because as the Asgardians enjoyed their happiness it took a lot of effort to maintain and nourish it. And to keep it in the first place.

But three days ago, Heimdall had come during counselling time. Loki sometimes forgot that he had taken on Odins form. And none except for his family and the gatekeeper had ever called the Allfather by his first name. Nothing enormous or outragous happend. Heimdall had given account that all was well in the realms and he concluded „Odin, I think we have never been better. This is a golden age." And then had left.

Ever since Loki felt a painful pinch within him. He was a king and yet he was nothing. He was dead, lying on a desert planet, never to be missed or mourned, never to be acknowledged for his endevour. He was not existant. All he would ever do only brought laurels to others. And that was the moment when the vigor and the enthusiasm left him. When he realized that now he had become his own shadow. The one he would never escape.

* * *

„Allfather, I am so sorry to disturb you this late ..." Sif stops in her tracks as she looks perplexed from one Odin to the other. One lying on a stoney bier, his eyes closed under a cover of close meshed threads of sei∂r. The other one wide eyed, jumping out of the armchair he had sat on to ponder over some parchments and declarations on state affairs. „... but it is of pressing matter."Her hand wanders to her sword.

„Sif, hold up for a second, I can explain. Please, close the door behind you." And for fraction of a second his true face shimmers through the illusion of Odin. Revealing dark haloed eyes and a pale face. „Can you? Well that explanation better be good." She draws her sword. „For how long?" „Thirty years." „WHAT?!" „When exactly?" „Since I have died, more or less." Sif is outraged. In few quick steps she crosses the room and holds her sharp sword under his chin. „How?" „He kind of asked me." Loki says, pointing to his sleeping father. „But it was more a comand then anything else." „You did betray him. Again! We knew this would happen. Argh. I should have stopped you right that second, when I had the chance."

„And whom exactly did I betray? Except for myself. But I don´t think you ment that!" Loki is angry now. „You tricked Thor out of his throne, I bet. Convincing Odin that Thor had comitted treason and he should give the power to you." „Do you honestly think that would have impressed Odin for a second?" She took a deep breath to start her next tirade but was cut off by Loki. „Thor asked me for permission to stay with his Lady on Midgard and refused to become king. I´d be sorry for being the reason for your despised love, except I had nothing to do with it."

„Really? You are making this about me and my supposedly hurt vanity?" In her rage she grabs the open ink bottle and empties it over his head. The liquid melts away the illusion of Odin and slowly drops down from his face. He sighs and with a magical gesture collects the dark fluid into a ball floating in midair and then it flows back into the bottle. He takes it out of Sifs hand and puts it back onto the desk. They glare at each other for some time until Sif puts back her sword.

„Well, Mylady, what is it that is of pressing matter." „Just know, Loki, that the former conversation is not over." „No, I am aware of that." „So I returned from Vanaheim early because..."

* * *

„It is so strange to see them like this." Loki shoots a quizzical look at Sif. They have been sitting in Odin´s chambers for quite a while now. Sif is reporting about her latest visit in Seattle, where Thor and Jane have been living the last 20 years. „How old is Lady Jane by now?" he asks. „She is turning 75. But he still loves her so much. They do get a lot of strange looks. Especialy when Julian is with them. I think at some point they just say she is the grandmother because it is easier."

„I will never understand why she refused the Idunn´s apple I sent as a wedding gift." „You did that, Loki? I always wondered who did. What a surprise." She looks up from sharpening her sword and observes Loki scribbeling something on a parchment. He is rubbing his forhead and eyes a lot, while concentrating on his duties on one hand and having a conversation with her on the other. - _Never a moments leisure_.

„How is that a surprise? You know I have taken this form since Malekith´s defeat. One of Idunn´s apples is a kingly gift. You could have done the math." „Yes, I could have." She puts down the sword on the table in front of her. „I am sorry, Loki. I am sorry for not seeing who you have become. That you did redeem yourself." He pauses for a moment and stares at the parchment in front of him. „You can be really proud of yourself. I am sure that..." He puts down the quill. „You´re sure of what? That there will be a reward? Do you honestly believe that, Mylady? That all the pain and suffering was worth it? That someday Asgard will recognize that Loki has given it wealth and prosperity?"

She suddenly is aware of how naive that sentiment was. „Forgive me, Sif, I did not mean to compromise you." And he goes back to writing. Sif gets up from her seat and walks to the door. „Even though it does not feel like it, Loki, you are still here. You did not die in the dust and you made it home. When will you stop treating yourself like you are dispensable?" And she leaves.


	12. Chapter 12

Sif walks straight into Odin´s chambers to report on her latest visit to Midgard. She attended Jane´s funeral and has comforted little Julian and his father. „Loki, you need to let him come ..." the sentence dies in her throat when she realizes that the bier where the Allfather has rested is empty. Odin sits on his desk looking at some parchments and books from the last decade to get an overview from what he missed. „Lady Sif" he gets up from the chair „I take it Loki has confided in you then?" She nods „Good. It´s hard being king all on your own. I still have to think about a good explanation of his coming back after so long."

He looks at the shield maiden. „I take from the books and papers I have seen, that he did pretty well in my absence." Sif´s mouth is dry. „Yes, Allfather, indeed he did." „Tell me, Mylady. What say Asgard´s inhabitants about their king?" „My Lord, they say that they are proud of their king. Though he has lost all of his family two to death and one to Midgard, the Allfather has grown even a better king. That the last sixty years have been blessed and their king was ever benevolent and wise even in the most dire situations."

„Do they." He falls into deep thoughts over the documents on the table. It seems like he has forgotten Sif. She clears her throat „Allfather, may I ask ..." „Loki is in his chambers, Lady Sif. Thank you for those news. Your report on Midgard, though I know it to be urgent, will have to wait until tomorrow. I will see you at noon. Good night."

Sif opens the door to Loki´s old rooms. A part of the palace that has been deserted for almost seventy years. Most of the hallways leading here are covered in a thick patina of dust, but when she enters into Loki´s rooms they are speckless. - _Probably a spell. Since most of the servants didn´t dare to come in here anyway_. She finds him in front of the big mirror beside the washing room. His bare skin is wet from the bath he just took and his hair is cut short. Back to the way it was before he fell of the bifröst. Most of the wounds have healed completely, but some of the gashes have left scars. Like the hole the Kursed punched into his chest.

Sif is shocked by his state non the less. He is way too thin, almost emaciated. She could count his rips if she wanted. He looks at her in the mirror. „Mylady, tell me, do you recognize this man?" She steps up behind him. There is a long silence filling the room. Loki stares with an empty gaze at his own reflection. -_ Valhalla, he looks terrible._ - „Because, dear Lady I don´t." he pauses again „there is nothing left of myself. Nothing at all. The last seventy years have claimed all of me." „You will get better again, Loki. Rest for some days, sleep. Eat and drink well. You will recover in no time. You are strong." „But what to do with the rest? The fatigued mind and worn out soul, Lady Sif? What about them?" She looks into his eyes in the mirror. The once bright emerald green orbs seem to have a shadow laying over them. - _You look so fragile Loki. Never, not in your worst conditions you have looked like this. Like you are about to give up_. Before she knows what she is doing Sif reaches for the back of Lokis head. And she buries her fingers into the wet and black curls, and fondles the smooth skin under them. It is ment as comfort, as a gesture of compassion. But it has a very different effect on Loki.

For seventy years the scarce skin contact he can recall was ment to hurt or to torture him in some way. With the exception of his brother holding him when he was about to die. It seems to him like he has forgotten all about how nice a touch can feel. Let alone one warm and smooth, coming from a woman´s hand. A woman who he has fancied for as long as he can remember. So he leans into Sifs hand, he lets his head fall back and closes his eyes. Sif is surprised and pulls back from this unforseen reaction. „Please don´t." The whisper is so low, she is not even sure if she had just imagined it. But she decides that it seems to be appropriate and Loki accepts it so she continues.

First Loki stays very still, his eyes still closed, the vulnerable side of his throat exposed to the mirror. Sif can see the strings of muscle, the popping of the adam´s apple as he swallows, the two collarbones coming together and building the jugulum where a little puddle collects the falling drops from his wet hair. Suddenly he falls to his knees and leans in further into Sifs hand. He feels like he has been dying of thirst for years and now has found clear fresh well. And Sif´s touch is scarecly enough to moisten the lips. He is thirsty. Really, really thirsty. As suddenly as he fell down on them he is up from his knees again and turns toward her.

Sif is stunned, she has no idea what has caused this reaction but Loki carefully takes her face in his hands and leans his cheek and his forhead against hers. His lips brush her hair, his lashes tickle her skin, he is that close. He breathes her in, there is still the unique scent of the bifröst on her, a mixture of forrest and fresh fallen snow. „What a..." and Loki kisses her. Softly and gentle, let´s his lips linger on hers. It takes Sif a moment to understand what is happening. And now that she does she realizes that she is kissing him back.

Loki is not thinking anymore about anything. He is thirsty and if he is drowning in the well he just found then what is it to him. His kisses become more demanding and Sif gives in. Loki´s hands wrap around her waist, pull her slightly up towards him. Their tongues dance softly around each other and he releases a low growl of lust deep from his throat. Sif´s hands hold tight to his upper arms and as he presses her firmly against himself they snake up his shoulders to find his neck and then spread through his midnight whisps. His tongue tracks down from her earlobe to her collarbones. He breathes a spell onto her metal corsage and it vapors away. The cloth, that was wrapped around his hips falls to the floor and Sif does not object when he lifts up the skirt of her armor dress.

He is so avid, he does not even fully undress her. As he pushes her up the doorframe of the washing room. She lost her slip on her backwards stumble towards some abutment. Sif crosses her legs behind Loki´s back. She is surprised that he is still very strong and forcefull. His frantic kisses indulge every inch of her, while the hand, that is not supporting her against the wood, plays with her nipples through the thin barrier of her dress. When he slides into her she stops breathing of a moment before she purrs into his ear „Loki." And they don´t break a longing and wanting kiss until they are over the peak.

„Sif?" „What is it?" She is still leaning against the doorframe, smiling to herself replaying the sensation of his touches in her mind again. „Would you like to stay here tonight?" She opens her eyes and looks at him. He has draped the cloth around his hips again and seems slightly too concious about himself. He looks down on himself and realizes how macerated he is. „Yes, Loki, I would very much like that."


	13. Chapter 13

She wakes up early in the morning. The sun has not kissed the horizon to dawn yet. The space beside her is empty. She turns sleepily around and opens her eyes to find Loki sitting on the window sill looking into the nightsky. - Like when we were children - She slips one leg out of the bed and feels the cool chilly air causing goosebumps on her skin. So she grabs the entire blanket and drapes it around her naked body before she gets up and sneaks over to the window.

Loki sits bare chested, leaning against the cold stone of the wall with one shoulder. „Are you not cold?" She kisses him on top of his other shoulder and she can detect a hint of a smile on his face. „Do you know me to ever get cold?" „Actually not. But I know now, that you can get really warm." And she pushes him slightly forward and squeezes in between him and the wall. Her bare legs snake around his waist and she covers him with the blanket. Holding him close to her.

Loki savors the skin contact. Feels her warm skin pressed against his back. He leans back into her. Sif caresses his face, tracing his outlines with her index finger. „Are you alright?" she whispers into his ear. He opens his eyes and looks out of the window. „No, no I am not. But you make it bearable." „Well I guess this is as close as I will ever get to a compliment" she chuckles into his hair. They sit like this for a while.

„Sif, how is Thor?" „Jane died. He is a mess." „You think he will come back?" „Probably. In a while." She can feel Lokis body tighten and he suddenly gets up out of her embrace. „What happens then?" „What do you mean?" „Nothing!" He abruptly gets of the window sill and walks into the washing room. When he comes out again he is dressed for going to the sparring grounds. Silently he prepares for the day, picking his weapons from the drawer and the books he will study from the shelves.

Sif watches him for some time and then asks „What did I do to make you so angry?" „I am not angry." „I beg to differ." „No, I am not angry. I just started to think of what happens when Thor comes back now that Lady Jane has passed. And it seems like I should not get used to your presence as much. And I should not rely on it soothing my current state neither." „Why ever not?" It is Sif´s turn to get incensed now. „Why are you already pushing me away. That doesn´t make any sense, Loki." „Well, think about it. Odin wants Thor to marry you since we were children. Since Thor was madly in love with Jane and would not meet this particular expectation, I just took a guess what will happen now that she is deceased." He puts the daggers into their sheaths, attached to his belt, grabs the two books and makes for the door.

„Well I am not Odin." Sif says to him jumping from the sill in one smooth and graceful move. „Nor am I the people of Asgard who expect me to love their first born and looked at me with pity the last years. I never wanted to be queen nor princess. I am a worrior, Loki. And I want to serve my king, but not in bed." He has stoped, his hand lingering in midair reaching for the doorknob. „I have been king." „Yes, and a good one. And I liked serving you." „Nobody knows about that." „I know about it, Loki. And I am happy that you finally get to be yourself again." Loki is being very still „That is when I like you the most. When you are yourself."


	14. Chapter 14 - Flashback

„How could he do this to you. We have been friends for so long. Now look at you." „Really Thor calm down. I am sure he did not do it on purpose." „Sif, you had such beautiful hair. Those pretty golden waves. I have no idea what got into him." This had been going on for days. At first all of their friends and family were angry at Loki for cutting her hair. And when it startet growing back and Sif had thought that now they finally would forget about it, it became even worse.

Instead of her golden locks her hair grew in strong pitch black wisps. She liked it. It looked fierce and adventurous. But the rest of the court was not amused. „Father is furious." „Yes I could tell when he slapped Loki in front of everyone." „But now he is even angrier. I mean you´ll probably look like this forever." „I don´t mind." „Well, father grounded him for another month."

„That is not right, Thor. I mean, I asked him to cut my hair off" „Did you ask him to turn it black like Father´s ravens?" „No. but…" „Then he deserves it." Thor answered matter-of-factly steped into the rink. „Come on now, Sif. I thought we are here to train, are we not?"

Later that day Sif had selected some titbids from the feast and had made for Loki´s chambers. She felt really guilty about him being punished for something she had asked him to do and he didn´t even want to in the first place. She found him sitting in the window looking out over the forrest a book loosely in one of his hands with the index finger in between two pages. „I get food sent to my room. I am not a prisoner, Sif"

„I know but still. And I was not sure if you got any of these." Sif had brought three of Loki´s favourite pastries. And by the look on his face she figured that he hadn´t. „May I join you?" She asked and then hopped right next to him letting one of her legs dangling. After they had shared the cakes she turned the book in his hand to read the cover „What are you reading? - Reverse sei∂r, avoiding and reducing unwanted magical side effects. Why would you read this?" „Frigga gave it to me. To find something to change back your hair."

„I am getting kind of annoyed by this. Nobody stops to even ask me how I like it. Valhalla - It is my hair. I can get it cut whenever I wish. Are you finding anything?" „No, not really. All this is about intentional spells, and I don´t even know what I did. So I have not the slightest idea what I am looking for." „Good!" „You don´t want it changed?" Loki seemed very astonished. „No I love it like this. I wouldn´t want one of those golden waves back." Sif said with a smile on her face. „Even if entire Asgard shares an other opinion. I know you did me an unintended favour. So thank you, Loki." His entire face smiled back at her „I am glad you like it."

„So are there actually any useful spells in that book?" „Not really." „So you can stop reading then and we can practise the galaxy illusions. I never manage to do these."

About twenty years later Frigga came one night to see her son. „Loki, I have to talk to you on behalf of Odin." She looked upon her child and was happy to see him smile. She loved his smile. Unlike many others Loki´s entire body seemed to glow with happiness when he smiled. On these rare occasions an infectious glee radiated from him and he simply looked perfect.

„Mother." He was still smiling when he walked over in swift steps embraced her and kissed her on top of her head. „Oh, don´t tell me. Have I done something wrong?" „No, no Loki. You have done nothing wrong. Your father simply asked me to involve you in some plans he has for the court in the forseeable furture. And he hopes that you will support his plans and contribute to them the best you can." „Of course I will. That is quite an honor. Tell me what is that I can do." Frigga took her son by the hand and led him to the bed, where they sat down on the rim.

She knew that when she would leave his chambers she had seen his beautiful smile for the last time. She knew because her visions had shown her for a long time. „Loki, Odin has picked out a maiden to become Thor´s wife. It will be a while until the official announcement but since he will be crowned in a few years, the court is anxious to have a perspective to the future queen as well. As you know there is many families that are in good graces with the Allfather. The choice was not easy. So he wishes you to support his decision by treating Thor´s future wife by the court etiquette and therefore you shall be introduced to your future wife formally pretty soon as well."

Frigga took a deep breath. Odin had never made any verdict based on the happiness of his sons he came to them by diplomacy and political scemes. „You ought to see Sif not all alone any more. The only man who is to see Sif alone besides the members of her family is Thor from now on. Odin expects you to see to that. It is your brotherly duty to make sure that Thor alone is to share exclusive privacy with Lady Sif."

And there it went. Frigga could see how his genuine smile dropped and scattered in thousand pieces like a crystal vial on a marble floor. There was a long silence before Loki got up from the bed. He collected some books and put them into one of the many shelves. „It shall be my pleasure, serving my realm´s and my father´s wishes." he said without a hint of emotion. „Well, but there is also you. He has chosen a wife for you as well. Aren´t you the least bit curious?" Loki pulled himself together and tried to put on his best face for his mother in this devastating moment. „Of course, mother, who will be my bride to be?" „Well since Freya is not going to marry your brother there has to be a compensation for the family. Odin desires you to marry her little sister." „Sigyn."


	15. Chapter 15

"Lady Sif, how good of you to come. Please join us" Odin sits in the counsil hall with a handful of his advisors. None of them has ever had the slightest idea, that this past six decades they had been ruled by the fallen prince. And Odin maintains the charade as well as his adopted son. „What news from midgard?"

And after she is done with her report on Jane´s funeral the Allfather gets up from the table: „At last the first born of Asgard will return, as his brother did just yesterday. The two princes are back home." „But Loki is dead, Allfather." „No, Sir Drynir, we thought him dead. He arrived yesterday." „So is he back in the dungeons?"

„I decided that Loki has more then fulfilled his sentence, if not here than at the hands of the Chitauri, who found him in the dust and abducted him. He spent the last decades maltreated and tortured in far away dungeons. And when he had escaped he was on the run through all the realms." - _What an excelent liar he is, and I always thought that was Lokis Jötun heritage_ - „he is not a threat anymore, Sir Drynir, he is broken."

Granted that this was a story that would explain, Loki´s sudden return and current state and served as well as a good explanation for not incarcerating him again, Sif feels terrible about it. The labeled Loki, yet again. First different, then arrogant, vicious, then fallen, then criminal, unworthy, cruel, and now impaired. - _How do you ever get to be youself being put in this many boxes. _

And for the first time she stands up for him. Not by contradicting the Allfather, that would have been foolish but by admitting to their bond of friendship in front of everyone. „Allfather, these are great news. May I excuse myself. I want to welcome my dear and old friend back home." „You may child. Please let my son know he is welcome to dine with the court tonight at the great hall."

Sif has her seat at the royal table. Like always she and the warriors three are sitting opposite to the king to whoms left now sits Loki. Scrawny and pale, a shadow of his former self. And the feast is a gaunlet running non the less. All of Asgard might be bowing to the Allfathers decree but they still gossip behind their hands. „Look at him."

„Good riddance, if you ask me."

„Not so smug, now."

„So silent, did the Chitauri cut out his tongue." - „o my, I hope so!"

Sifs hands ball to fists under the table. And then her eyes travel to Volstagg, Fandral and Hogun who eye Loki suspiciously. Meanwhile Odin and Loki exchange some quiet words. „Son, I can´t spare you this. I would but if you want to stay in Asgard you have to face it. Are you alright?" „Yes, father." „You want me to quiet the gossip?" „No, father." „Let me know when you can´t take any more." „Yes, father."

The talking abbates when the food is coming, but the silence among the former friends is awkward. Volstagg is the only one of the warriors three who gives the meal higher priority than interrogating Loki. Hogun´s grimm glare at Loki and Fandral´s sceptical frown set an intimidating atmosphere. „Interesting," the later starts „interesting. So Odin tells us you have been tortured by your former allies for the last years. I wondered how did you escape the Chitauri dungeons? None ever escapes these foul and dark creatures yet you manage to fool them twice…"

More and more Asgardians start to eaves drop as Fandrall carries on. Loki´s exhaustion is written all over him. He looks down at his plate filled with roast and sides, and under the pressure of Fandrall´s insinuations, he manages to eat few small bites before he puts down his fork and stares into his meal. Sif can hardly bare the sight. Loki just sits there in silence, not defending himself, just taking the doubt and hatred from every corner of the room. When he reaches for his goblet she can see the tremor in his hands. He lets his hand drop on the napkin and rearranges it to cover up the former gesture.

The silence around them grows louder and louder, as Fandrall speaks what most of the present think. Even Volstagg stopped eating and Odin looks at his son with fatherly concern. He knows he cannot stop it, this is the price to be paid for Loki´s freedom. _Maybe if he breaks entirely in front of all of them they might leave him be. But then he will be gone. „_Fandrall" Sif cannot take it anymore „stop it. Give him a break."

„Well these are questions entire Asgard is concerned about. I mean such a surprising come back arises some questions. We all thought you had found redemption, Loki. We all thought you died in your brother´s arms that day."

The sudden bang of the falling chair as Loki abruptly stands up cuts off Fandral´s flow of words. And before Loki leaves the feasting hall he pauses quickly and says loud enough for anybody to hear „I did."


End file.
